Ada: I can talk about farming in Latin. I can read french. I can lace up a corset, God knows. I can name the principal rivers in Europe, just don’t ask me one stream in this county! I can embroider but I can’t darn! I can arrange cut flowers but I can’t grow them! If a thing has a function, if I might do something with it, then it wasn’t considered suitable!
Ada: Ruby, you can ask ‘why’ about pretty much everything to do with me! This fence is about the first thing that I’ve ever done that might produce an actual result.
That was a scene from one of my favorite films. Cold Mountain with Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger, and I feel like Ada right about now. I’m qualified, right? I’m qualified for something, right? Maybe only to write this blog, or possibly take photos of random things I see in the woods but to qualify myself as a web designer or a teacher or maybe even a journalist- well, that’s like qualifying a cow for a horse. Or maybe it just feels like that right about now. The more I look for jobs the more agitated I become because the more I know I won’t get those said jobs and someone more “qualified” will. I wonder when I’ll ever seem qualified.
Right now I’m lying in bed, it’s 9:25pm on a Wednesday evening and I’m mulling over where I might be able to lead myself in the next year, hopefully Northern California, or London, or just out of my parents house. Life is getting the best of me right now and I’m letting it. So, here is my stab at deferring that “best of me” life jab/punch in the gut/slap in face sort of feeling: I don’t have to worry, or better yet in my instance, I shouldn’t worry, I should stop. My measley worrying and faint agitation is no match for the big, bold, all encompassing power of God. I’m sorry, and I hate to break it to you all but it’s not about me. It’s not. I know I whine, complain, and protest on this blog like I own the world or that I’m owed something but the truth is is that I don’t. I have nothing but I am given so much more. I am qualified for love.
Right now it feels like I can’t get anything right and I have no prospects, but the truth of the matter is that I’m qualified for life and freedom. I’ve been given purpose in that, life within Christ. It’s hard to remind myself that a lot of the time, but I don’t have to worry about it because He’s got my back. There’s a plan and I’m ready to see what it is. I feel it in the air, I smell it, I know it’s coming but I’m just being impatient… And tack that onto job hunting, loneliness, and the ever-loving fight for a better quality of life- boy, trust, patience, and hope are all the things I need to remind myself to have right now in this season of life.
Life is hard, and golly, I feel it but even though it might feel like we’re not qualified for certain jobs we are qualified for grace and Gods love.