I was scrolling down in my Tumblr last night. I went back in time, so to speak, to where I was, and what I was concerned with in my life. It was all about love, loss and myself. It all seemed so dark and downcast. How completely tragic my life was back then, how lost. From time to time I like going “back in time” to old post and just seeing where I was, and looking at where I am now. It’s a great realization that I have nothing to fear. I’ve given up my life. That life. There’s nothing wrong with looking to the past, just as long as you don’t dwell in it, and I’m no longer longing for any of that stuff.What I’m trying to say is that I’ve given up my life. I’ve given it up and I couldn’t be more lost right now but I think the thing that really defines the differences of then and now is that I’m not worried. I’m not longing for what can be- at least I’m trying not too, having figured out that I don’t live in the present, and am in the process of trying to change that.
God is the future, the past, and the present, and if I’ve got Him on my side for the long run then I’ve got nothing to fear. My road still seems crooked and ramshackled with confusion and rough waters but in spite of all that I feel fine. There are days when I do get a panic attack but then I try to remind myself, “Hey, Ashley, get back to right now. Stop thinking of what might be if you don’t do something right now. Just breathe.” And it’s hard. Everything is hard. Adulting is hard. Believing is hard. Being present is hard. But who really- who said anything was going to be easy?