Today was undelightful. First, the Lord showed that I’ve got people in my life that I don’t deserve. Golly, I’m grateful but guilt ridden. A lot of fighting within myself has been happening and I’m trying to control every little thing that goes on around me, within me, and yeah, just everywhere. I’ve got friends who seem to think I’m worth their time and yeah, they’ve been speaking a lot of wisdom into me. It’s nice. But golly if I don’t try to control everything still. I’m trying to fight with the sinner in me and the more I fight the harder it becomes. It’s like the more I try to become a better person the more likely I’ll hit a road block, but when I’m just being me and being kind then it’s like the world isn’t so hard to turn.
I hope that makes sense.
When I look at moments when I’m not being so hard on myself and just allowing things to happen the more I’m proned to being happy- or just happier- possibly joyful. I’m not nearly as down in the dumps as I was before the Lord came into my life, so therefore I believe I have whole lot more joy in my life, but there is still that part of me that wants to control. I’ve gotta learn that that isn’t going to happen. I can’t control everything. I can help myself make things happen but it’s ultimately not up to me. The more I try to control, the more I become out of control. I’ve just got to give it all up to Jesus and go to sleep.