Love equals honesty and truth

I wouldn’t mind going camping on the beach sometime. Just building a big fire, watching the sun set as the chill comes on. I want to do a lot of things but other things just keep getting in the way, tripping me up and creating anxiety and fear. Listen, I’m in a constant state of anxiousness and I know that probably means I’m not putting my trust in the Lord but I don’t know how to turn it off. I don’t know how I’m suppose to feel. There have been times when I feel peace, that everything will be/is okay but those moments pale in comparison to the lies I’m probably telling myself. I know they’re lies but it’s almost like I’m trying to look for hope in them. It’s almost like I’ve got my head screwed on wrong and I’m looking in the opposite direction. I maybe walking in the right direction but it’s like my eyes aren’t quite looking to where I need to be looking.

I think I need to learn to be honest and tell myself what I want…

I just want a fun, adventurous, weird life. I want stories to tell my hopeful, one day soon, children. I want to experience life to fill my heart and also understand what it truly means to be love. I think achieving that really means being honest. Either with yourself or with friends, husbands, wives, who ever. That anxiety and fear maybe lies but truth is trust and love, and I know I really need to work on it.

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Hoping for travel

So it seems this year is full of wanderlust for me. My coworkers girlfriend is headed out on trips of a lifetime, hopping from one country to another, plus my coworker is headed to Asia too. My boss is headed to Sweden. Another coworker is in Europe right now and every day I see Instagram blowing up my phone (and mind) with destinations I only dream about going to.33783216735_2512377a32_oRecently I decided to give up on the idea of teaching ESL. Yeah, it would be a sure fire way to travel and getting paid for it but every time I apply to a job it either doesn’t work out or I chicken out. Ever since I was a kid I always found travel fascinating. My Dad use to country hop for jobs before settling down and one of my earliest memories was asking him if he had been to a certain place and if so to tell me what it was like. Travel has always been my goal, but fear and apprehension slips in right when I believe I could actually do it. 33626754622_8e91ce226d_oFear gets in my way a lot. I’ve always wanted to be a person who packs up and jets off spontaneously but when I look at that realistically I don’t truly believe anyone just packs a bag and spends $1,000 on an airplane ticket sporadically. There’s a lot of planning that goes into it. I mean, I’m sure people do just go and figure it out on the way but as I’ve grown I’ve learned I’m not that person- no matter how much I want to be. I like planning. I like researching and siking myself up for what essentially still the unknown, but fear isn’t allowed in those siking up moments. It’s forgotten. I’m to focused on excitement. So why let fear in any time? Why can’t I just pretend I’m siking myself up all the time? You know what that’s really called? Hope. Hope for a better to be. Hope for what is to come. Put your hope in what God can give you, because He can give you a truly awesome trip.

So where’s my next destination? I have no idea. I’d love for it to be England again but who knows. I’m just hoping it’ll be amazing.  32940188514_5f1d53c830_o

Jumping into the storm

So it’s been a while… I’m still alive and I will survive. As of late I feel like I’m on the struggle bus and what does one do when they’re driving the bus? She writes! No, my eyes are not on the road at this very moment but on a computer screen screaming “WHY ME!”

To be honest I knew this season of struggle was on its way. I felt really calm a month ago, like right before a storm hits. You can smell it in the air, the wind is blowing, and on the horizon you see a huge, impending, formidable storm coming for you.

33783218305_9f0059fcba_oSchool is going well, yet it feels unchallenging. Work is extremely slow and I don’t know where I’m going to next. I’ve fallen for the lie that I look like Sloth from the Goonies. I’m constantly worried about my family, and the Lord and I seem to be drifting apart… When Jesus stood on water during the storm He didn’t say “hey, look at that cloud over there! It looks like your life because you failed.” He said “Take courage. I am here. Come and stand out here with me.” And yet, in this moment in my life I keep allowing the storm to get in the way. I’m bending over the side of the boat going “What? I can’t here you. Hey, look at that cloud!”33626778372_1e4a5d5d21_oI wake up every morning believing God is gonna scrub me of this sinful thinking but the truth is is that it’s up to me to get up and decide it’s gonna be a good day. He does get me up, and he pushes me here and there but he allows me to choose. He sent Jesus to let me know He’s got my back, to not forget, and to always keep my eyes on Him- to jump out in that storm. To keep my faith. To hold firmly and never let go.

So I’ve woken up today and I decide that.

He won’t get rid of my struggles like a quick snap of the fingers but He’ll stand by me through them all. Maybe I just need to grab some courage from within my life preserver and jump. I might fall in the water but I know how to swim to Him. He won’t let the sharks get me. 33626740072_6d6ac983b7_o

My longest post. My story.

29270973371_7d59c572ec_oSo I’m taking a break from reading Huckleberry Finn, wellll, uh, really taking a break from doing my homework (#collegeproblems #gettingamasters), and I keep thinking about my Bible study and our weekly challenge. It’s to write out our story and how we came to find Jesus and then share it with someone, and this week has been quite a trying time and well, I haven’t been out very much. I’m not a hermit, trust me on that one, I just haven’t been on the schedule enough. Work is slow (so is this book) and here I am. Here’s my story y’all:

I was raised in the Catholic church. I went to “church class” on Wednesday nights after school, got confirmed and it was all good. I went to church when I could, mostly holidays, but for some reason never quite felt at home, I didn’t feel a connection. (Now, I’m not hating on the Catholic church. Let me be clear on that. I’m just talking about my experience.) I never wanted to be honest about it because I never had another church-y experience to really compare too. I visited other friends churches but never really let myself take it in because it wasn’t my church. I constantly felt guilty about not going but I didn’t really know why.29349549235_559e81137d_oSo, like most young people going into college, I stopped. I halted all belief in anything. I believed there was a possibility of God but I was open to other ways of life too. To be honest, there was always a sense of grief, of guilt even, there was something missing in me. So, I went to school, I got in a doomed relationship, got my heartbroken, nearly got kicked out, and partied and I mean partied (sorry, Mom). I tried what I could to fill a hole. And then I jumped into that hole.

My last year in college I suffered a lot. I remember living alone in a bottom level apartment and not wanting to go home and be alone. Let me repeat that: Alone. I felt scared. I felt darkness surround me, and I had nightmare upon nightmare where I had to fight things off and it freaked me out! I wasn’t happy. I was depressed and nothing helped. Until I thought, “Hm, maybe I should go back to church.” So I found a small Catholic church and went in one Sunday and nearly cried. It’s funny that I went back to place where I felt like I had no connection to begin with. It’s because I had nothing else. I felt like I had hit rock bottom, I hit my lowest low. So I sat there, on a wooden pew and bit my lip. 29061937950_67f50b9359_oIt wasn’t until I graduated and got what I hope will be my worst job ever, and met my friend Sarah, who in retrospect guided me back to what church is really about. Where love stems from, and that’s Jesus. The first time we hung out it was my birthday and she asked me point blank what did I believe in. I was stumped and had no idea really. I just said “a little bit of everything.” A frown set onto her face and she handed me a book called The Story by Max Lucado and Randy Frazee. That was my birthday gift. I took her up on her challenge to read it. And well, “duh” is the word, I read it. Flash forward three years and I’m here. I’m in a church I love, and I’m growing in a community, and I feel protected, loved and a part of something. I feel good. But not without countless questions and feelings of doubt and trying, trying times. I still go through difficult periods. But I gave my life to Christ and it’s not easy. 26683117874_0e4580a1e3_oIn a world where we want everything to be easy, this is not. But it is worth it. Trust me on that. God loves you even with all the sin you have in you. He loves you and wants what is good and right, and truthful for you. What is best, like a father would. We’re all bad, we’ve all got sin in us, but it’s up to us-to you, to me, to decide what we want to do, what path we want to take. Do we want to keep feeling empty and jump into holes or do we want to rise above them and become better, more loving, peaceful people? I’ll take the latter.

Frying my fear

16391217591_fedf1f8948_oMy lips keep quivering. It’s like they want to say something but my voice isn’t ready. They’ve been doing this for some time and I’m just lost for words.

*shrug*

Today has made me realize how much I miss the people… My people, whom I hold close to my heart. I had a stunning conversation with my best friend and we came to the conclusion of what I believe is holding me back from a lot of things in life. It’s funny how ideas can just drop into your lap after so many painstaking years it has been of trying to figure yourself out.

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I’m afraid of commitment. There I said it.

I’m in fear of it, and ya know what? It makes me so much more interested to conquer it, now that I can define it. Life gets a little easier once you find out more about yourself. It nice to be able to hatch little eggs of knowledge then fry them up in a pan and eat them for breakfast. It helps me understand what I can handle and what I want to subdue.

Here you go, Lord, here’s my fear. Take it.

Early New Year outlook

30743096234_458352885b_oSo I’m about to go into work with all the weirdos (kind of an odd compliment this side of my brain) and angry eccentrics I work with, and my tea is brewing hot and steamy. It’s gonna sound terrible but I’m ready for the holiday season to end. Gosh, I really want it done… Frenzy mixed with stress and a touch of anxiety (make that a bucket) doesn’t sit well with me. “I just want the new year to begin so I can start a new me.” Is what I’m thinking, but to be honest that’s bogus. I can start now.

Why not? What’s holding me back? Surely not some guy.

What I hope this year will be full of are beginnings. Of guitar practices, of fly fishing adventures, of more rock climbing- throw in a dude ranch retreat in there too… It’ll set me off on the road to my masters so I can be like all the teachers who once shaped me. It’ll be about embracing my loving heart and being the eccentric weirdo I somehow shaped myself into. I love that part of me. The odd, colorful maverick.

I might be single to but where ever this ship is sailing it don’t need a captain of the crew. While the world wants to console and even out the two halves of my broken heart I actually would like to glue them back together, jaggedness and all. With tape, gorilla glue, plaster, whatever. Embrace what I have for now.

Tea in my tummy, love in my heart, and so far a good outlook on this Monday morning. 30169416174_a7a3b82314_o

 

Rain

The rain fell for the past two days and it was nice. The chill cold air came rushing on in and I got to see my breath again. I like the cold. I like trying to get warm from it. Burrito-ing myself in the stack of blankets, burning my tongue on hot drinks, and pulling on layers of clothes to just peel off later. 31055641630_66e8a7b1da_oThe beginning of the rain started at the parade with little droplets that kissed my face. They fell from the sky in the evening. We all sat on the side of the road watching as marchers, greeters, wavers of the crowd came singling on through the hoards of all of us. We saw dragons, and pink ladies, and “Merry Christmas” everywhere. The sound of the drums rumbled in my chest… Oh how I love that feeling. 30617682263_14b513d30a_oI woke this morning to find the rain was still here. There’s something comforting about listening to it. It could be a torrential downpour outside my window or a light pattering on the top of my tent and whatever it is makes me want to burrow my head deeper into my pillow- the land of dreams. The rain slows things down. It washes the dirt away, and consoles me, even if it grows bitter outside. 30617679873_ab8ecdd8c6_o

Workin’ hard or hardly workin’

30684202722_c1645b44fa_oI think I’ve come to the conclusion that I love to work. The harder the better.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate waking up after the said hard day when my back feels like it’s broken and my feet have been replaced by open nerve endings and I can’t seem to place them anywhere. I hate that- but when I think back onto the hard day and what I’ve accomplished I feel good. I feel beautiful even. Strong.

I think maybe that’s why I like to go on hiking trips and camp. I don’t mind getting my hands dirty and I don’t mind getting sweaty. But I love when I can wash away the grime and dried sweat and just be able to relish in what I’ve possibly done for the day. It feels good. Especially now in the season (working retail during the holidays) where I can make someones day with helping them choose a gift or even finding that said gift, or just going the extra mile for them.

I might regret later all that I’m saying in this post but for right now, I’m excited for rest, I’m excited for nourishing myself and I’m excited for what I’ve come to learn.

Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!30712438271_a8404db576_o