Today is pretty dreary with a side of hope. It rained last night but only enough to wet down the top soil. Most of the clouds are stubbornly sticking to their spots in the sky. It’s cool enough that my Mom and I planted a ton of flowers in hope of some sticking with us this summer. I planted sunflower seeds and hopefully not in vain. They’re usually a hearty seed but not strong enough for ants to sink their jaws into. Last summer I planted so many and watered an empty hole repeatedly but hopefully this summer it’ll be different. All I’ve got is hope, guys.
So my pal, Rachel, and I hustled over to Atlanta last night. We meandered around Little Five Points and then in the evening we went to The Loft at Center Stage to see Colony House and I was the oldest person in this venue, but hey, it was so fun that I didn’t care. There’s something about being the oldest in a crowd that seems so unbinding. It freed me up to rock out even more and howl at the moon all I wanted.
– photos taken with iphone SE so please forgive me!The places we hit up:
So today I day tripped in Hendersonville. It’s not super far from my hometown and it’s probably one of my favorite places to go on a weekend, only being like 30-40 minutes away.
We mainly walk through the downtown area and go to good ole Kilwins. There’s a really great used book store called Joy of Books to peruse and if you’re down for coffee (who isn’t?) there’s Black Bear Coffee Co. which I still have yet to go into…
The old courthouse stands as the Henderson County Heritage Museum and I mean, it’s actually really interesting if you’re into history like moi.
It’s a pretty dope little mountain town, right up the road from Flat Rock, where the Carl Sandburg Home stands, and about 30 minutes away from Asheville. Anyway, I love this little town…
Well, since I’ve got all this time on my hands from work being so slow I’ve decided to go on more day trips. Upon entering the real world and graduating college, God put traveling on my heart-and actually this blog was suppose to be a travel blog, but I never really went anywhere consistently. I went to London. I went to Los Angeles. I talked about Charleston, SC- I think. Travelers Rest, heck, even western Pennsylvania.
And then I stopped. Life just got in the way, but here I am ready and willing to say I’m gonna be doing that again, even if it is in smaller ways. Baby steps, guys, baby steps. I’m trying!
And don’t forget to check out instagram for some updates as well! @thedarlingloon
So it’s been a while… I’m still alive and I will survive. As of late I feel like I’m on the struggle bus and what does one do when they’re driving the bus? She writes! No, my eyes are not on the road at this very moment but on a computer screen screaming “WHY ME!”
To be honest I knew this season of struggle was on its way. I felt really calm a month ago, like right before a storm hits. You can smell it in the air, the wind is blowing, and on the horizon you see a huge, impending, formidable storm coming for you.
School is going well, yet it feels unchallenging. Work is extremely slow and I don’t know where I’m going to next. I’ve fallen for the lie that I look like Sloth from the Goonies. I’m constantly worried about my family, and the Lord and I seem to be drifting apart… When Jesus stood on water during the storm He didn’t say “hey, look at that cloud over there! It looks like your life because you failed.” He said “Take courage. I am here. Come and stand out here with me.” And yet, in this moment in my life I keep allowing the storm to get in the way. I’m bending over the side of the boat going “What? I can’t here you. Hey, look at that cloud!”I wake up every morning believing God is gonna scrub me of this sinful thinking but the truth is is that it’s up to me to get up and decide it’s gonna be a good day. He does get me up, and he pushes me here and there but he allows me to choose. He sent Jesus to let me know He’s got my back, to not forget, and to always keep my eyes on Him- to jump out in that storm. To keep my faith. To hold firmly and never let go.
So I’ve woken up today and I decide that.
He won’t get rid of my struggles like a quick snap of the fingers but He’ll stand by me through them all. Maybe I just need to grab some courage from within my life preserver and jump. I might fall in the water but I know how to swim to Him. He won’t let the sharks get me.
It’s not Christmas but I do love this song, haha!
So I’m taking a break from reading Huckleberry Finn, wellll, uh, really taking a break from doing my homework (#collegeproblems #gettingamasters), and I keep thinking about my Bible study and our weekly challenge. It’s to write out our story and how we came to find Jesus and then share it with someone, and this week has been quite a trying time and well, I haven’t been out very much. I’m not a hermit, trust me on that one, I just haven’t been on the schedule enough. Work is slow (so is this book) and here I am. Here’s my story y’all:
I was raised in the Catholic church. I went to “church class” on Wednesday nights after school, got confirmed and it was all good. I went to church when I could, mostly holidays, but for some reason never quite felt at home, I didn’t feel a connection. (Now, I’m not hating on the Catholic church. Let me be clear on that. I’m just talking about my experience.) I never wanted to be honest about it because I never had another church-y experience to really compare too. I visited other friends churches but never really let myself take it in because it wasn’t my church. I constantly felt guilty about not going but I didn’t really know why.So, like most young people going into college, I stopped. I halted all belief in anything. I believed there was a possibility of God but I was open to other ways of life too. To be honest, there was always a sense of grief, of guilt even, there was something missing in me. So, I went to school, I got in a doomed relationship, got my heartbroken, nearly got kicked out, and partied and I mean partied (sorry, Mom). I tried what I could to fill a hole. And then I jumped into that hole.
My last year in college I suffered a lot. I remember living alone in a bottom level apartment and not wanting to go home and be alone. Let me repeat that: Alone. I felt scared. I felt darkness surround me, and I had nightmare upon nightmare where I had to fight things off and it freaked me out! I wasn’t happy. I was depressed and nothing helped. Until I thought, “Hm, maybe I should go back to church.” So I found a small Catholic church and went in one Sunday and nearly cried. It’s funny that I went back to place where I felt like I had no connection to begin with. It’s because I had nothing else. I felt like I had hit rock bottom, I hit my lowest low. So I sat there, on a wooden pew and bit my lip. It wasn’t until I graduated and got what I hope will be my worst job ever, and met my friend Sarah, who in retrospect guided me back to what church is really about. Where love stems from, and that’s Jesus. The first time we hung out it was my birthday and she asked me point blank what did I believe in. I was stumped and had no idea really. I just said “a little bit of everything.” A frown set onto her face and she handed me a book called The Story by Max Lucado and Randy Frazee. That was my birthday gift. I took her up on her challenge to read it. And well, “duh” is the word, I read it. Flash forward three years and I’m here. I’m in a church I love, and I’m growing in a community, and I feel protected, loved and a part of something. I feel good. But not without countless questions and feelings of doubt and trying, trying times. I still go through difficult periods. But I gave my life to Christ and it’s not easy. In a world where we want everything to be easy, this is not. But it is worth it. Trust me on that. God loves you even with all the sin you have in you. He loves you and wants what is good and right, and truthful for you. What is best, like a father would. We’re all bad, we’ve all got sin in us, but it’s up to us-to you, to me, to decide what we want to do, what path we want to take. Do we want to keep feeling empty and jump into holes or do we want to rise above them and become better, more loving, peaceful people? I’ll take the latter.
I’ve been obsessed with this song for the past week. The lead singers vocals remind me of some of the singers in Eisley.
So my last post was about conquering fear- or really just taking the steps to conquer it. No offense but I believe fear is a step towards death- now fear of God isn’t death of course (because we all need a little of that), but being in fear of trust or love, comparison or judgement, or even failure… what have you, the list could go on- is pointless. It needs conquering. It prevents us all from jumping into the water. It definitely prevents us from finding a full life. A friend in my Bible study group said that trust is one thing we need to make in us that is inherent. When dogs play catch they don’t look at the water before them or second guess anything- they just jump, with no fear.
And that’s how I want to be. Yes, like a dog. Trusting and brave of whatever comes my way. Even relationships or friendships-any kind of ship. I won’t be afraid of what is in the water.
My lips keep quivering. It’s like they want to say something but my voice isn’t ready. They’ve been doing this for some time and I’m just lost for words.
Today has made me realize how much I miss the people… My people, whom I hold close to my heart. I had a stunning conversation with my best friend and we came to the conclusion of what I believe is holding me back from a lot of things in life. It’s funny how ideas can just drop into your lap after so many painstaking years it has been of trying to figure yourself out.
I’m afraid of commitment. There I said it.
I’m in fear of it, and ya know what? It makes me so much more interested to conquer it, now that I can define it. Life gets a little easier once you find out more about yourself. It nice to be able to hatch little eggs of knowledge then fry them up in a pan and eat them for breakfast. It helps me understand what I can handle and what I want to subdue.
Here you go, Lord, here’s my fear. Take it.