Just Jump

So my last post was about conquering fear- or really just taking the steps to conquer it. No offense but I believe fear is a step towards death- now fear of God isn’t death of course (because we all need a little of that), but being in fear of trust or love, comparison or judgement, or even failure… what have you, the list could go on- is pointless. It needs conquering. It prevents us all from jumping into the water. It definitely prevents us from finding a full life. A friend in my Bible study group said that trust is one thing we need to make in us that is inherent. When dogs play catch they don’t look at the water before them or second guess anything- they just jump, with no fear.

And that’s how I want to be. Yes, like a dog. Trusting and brave of whatever comes my way. Even relationships or friendships-any kind of ship. I won’t be afraid of what is in the water.

 

Frying my fear

16391217591_fedf1f8948_oMy lips keep quivering. It’s like they want to say something but my voice isn’t ready. They’ve been doing this for some time and I’m just lost for words.

*shrug*

Today has made me realize how much I miss the people… My people, whom I hold close to my heart. I had a stunning conversation with my best friend and we came to the conclusion of what I believe is holding me back from a lot of things in life. It’s funny how ideas can just drop into your lap after so many painstaking years it has been of trying to figure yourself out.

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I’m afraid of commitment. There I said it.

I’m in fear of it, and ya know what? It makes me so much more interested to conquer it, now that I can define it. Life gets a little easier once you find out more about yourself. It nice to be able to hatch little eggs of knowledge then fry them up in a pan and eat them for breakfast. It helps me understand what I can handle and what I want to subdue.

Here you go, Lord, here’s my fear. Take it.

Being bold in the New Year

28726137404_93e4fca3c5_oI think the problem I have with my insecurities is that most of the time I feel like my weirdness is weirder than everyone else’s. And it’s not. My weirdness is accepted by loads of people. It takes time to know anyone and this year- no, right now, I’m gonna accept my weirdness. I don’t care if my coworkers, strangers, new friends, or the guy I’m talking to on Bumble, think I’m crazy.

I think I’m fun.

I’m not living for those people. I live to make something bigger than me beautiful and I’m proud of that. So excuse me, I’m gonna go dance to this song I have busting through my headphones and yes, it is 10:58 in the morning.

Thy name is boldness!28726156814_762a8fd706_o

 

 

Early New Year outlook

30743096234_458352885b_oSo I’m about to go into work with all the weirdos (kind of an odd compliment this side of my brain) and angry eccentrics I work with, and my tea is brewing hot and steamy. It’s gonna sound terrible but I’m ready for the holiday season to end. Gosh, I really want it done… Frenzy mixed with stress and a touch of anxiety (make that a bucket) doesn’t sit well with me. “I just want the new year to begin so I can start a new me.” Is what I’m thinking, but to be honest that’s bogus. I can start now.

Why not? What’s holding me back? Surely not some guy.

What I hope this year will be full of are beginnings. Of guitar practices, of fly fishing adventures, of more rock climbing- throw in a dude ranch retreat in there too… It’ll set me off on the road to my masters so I can be like all the teachers who once shaped me. It’ll be about embracing my loving heart and being the eccentric weirdo I somehow shaped myself into. I love that part of me. The odd, colorful maverick.

I might be single to but where ever this ship is sailing it don’t need a captain of the crew. While the world wants to console and even out the two halves of my broken heart I actually would like to glue them back together, jaggedness and all. With tape, gorilla glue, plaster, whatever. Embrace what I have for now.

Tea in my tummy, love in my heart, and so far a good outlook on this Monday morning. 30169416174_a7a3b82314_o

 

Rain

The rain fell for the past two days and it was nice. The chill cold air came rushing on in and I got to see my breath again. I like the cold. I like trying to get warm from it. Burrito-ing myself in the stack of blankets, burning my tongue on hot drinks, and pulling on layers of clothes to just peel off later. 31055641630_66e8a7b1da_oThe beginning of the rain started at the parade with little droplets that kissed my face. They fell from the sky in the evening. We all sat on the side of the road watching as marchers, greeters, wavers of the crowd came singling on through the hoards of all of us. We saw dragons, and pink ladies, and “Merry Christmas” everywhere. The sound of the drums rumbled in my chest… Oh how I love that feeling. 30617682263_14b513d30a_oI woke this morning to find the rain was still here. There’s something comforting about listening to it. It could be a torrential downpour outside my window or a light pattering on the top of my tent and whatever it is makes me want to burrow my head deeper into my pillow- the land of dreams. The rain slows things down. It washes the dirt away, and consoles me, even if it grows bitter outside. 30617679873_ab8ecdd8c6_o

Workin’ hard or hardly workin’

30684202722_c1645b44fa_oI think I’ve come to the conclusion that I love to work. The harder the better.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate waking up after the said hard day when my back feels like it’s broken and my feet have been replaced by open nerve endings and I can’t seem to place them anywhere. I hate that- but when I think back onto the hard day and what I’ve accomplished I feel good. I feel beautiful even. Strong.

I think maybe that’s why I like to go on hiking trips and camp. I don’t mind getting my hands dirty and I don’t mind getting sweaty. But I love when I can wash away the grime and dried sweat and just be able to relish in what I’ve possibly done for the day. It feels good. Especially now in the season (working retail during the holidays) where I can make someones day with helping them choose a gift or even finding that said gift, or just going the extra mile for them.

I might regret later all that I’m saying in this post but for right now, I’m excited for rest, I’m excited for nourishing myself and I’m excited for what I’ve come to learn.

Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!30712438271_a8404db576_o